It's much like a fading dream slipping out of my fingers, a quick glimpse of something entirely changed. I wish I could remember it long enough to hold on....Or let go Im not sure which. slowly drifting out of my mind lulling these little creatures to rest.
.........
O yea this picture wins out of all I'm pretty sure


Also all of my money and some of my shit was stollen love it i can't
can'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan't DEAL
Im angry feeling, Im tired of people expecting shit out of me because im white, I have to work to get money too. FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK Im tired of all these needy hands grabbing at my shirt wrestling my water bottle out of my hands. IM DONE

feathers.. lizards. pink sand. goats. birds that beep.
follow the ground that your legs are on.
unwind unwinding ing ing ing
I have to find my brain somewhere
I think it has slipped down into my ears, or my feet, maybee my knees, or my calves....

I just woke up its 8 in the morning sunday....
that means it midnight last night home.
FEWW
doves are cooing, kittens are purring, birds are chirping, horns are honking,
dogs are barking, roosters are crowing all night and all day, and you can hear the muzzien singing the call to prayer loud through out the day singing yelling and barking sounds coming through the loudspeakers from all the mosques dotting through the neighborhoods.

heres my new travel blog
http://frecklesandfeelings.blogspot.com/



sometimes when babies look at us they are so startled by our color that they start to cry.

On the floor tangled
I want to say things...
but instead i study your eyes, study your face.
words I swallowed down deep, forever to keep

. i can not sleep i have to get up early early early
. I have an interview tomorrow morning....
. interviews make me realize just how slow my brain processes.
. BOO
. I feel really happy and weird
. REALLY happy and weird
. also sad and weird
. also scared
. but happy
. but stressed and anxious too
. also just WEIRD weird not me.
. I think it is nice but im not sure
. hmmhehee I am very dramatic with myself...
I got the best music today that I got in a letter from this lady that likes me....its SO GOOD
Its her friends singing, a boy and a girl, and then guitars and harps its so good and cute
AND I got my camera back in the mail today I may have teared up a little when I touched it...
also I made SO much money today working and then taking in a huge bowl of change, and trading in TONs of books at smith family, and getting back all my tax money....I deposited like an extra 300$
shit I still have to sooo much to do tomorrow.....Im out of time time time out outttt
wayyyyyy to much inside my head, Its blank but SO full

I will sail far away.
GO TO SLEEP FLIMSY WIMSY

Watch out i got the very best christmas present evvveeerrr.



Its a video camera with a mustache man on it with a lens eyeball... its so good
Then i made a filter for it with those crazy rainbow glasses. super key





she had strapped all her straps, and buckled, and tied, and zipped and fastened....
pitter pattering plastic keys before her until she could delay no more.

Anything at all anything at all anything at all stomp around stomp around

.............................................................................................................................................................................................. 

Dear manipulative, truth twisting,  troubled mother of mine, Its ridiculous how sad your replies have made me, because of how ignorant and out of control they are. Maybe I understand but its really sad to see what kind of arguments you make, you are a child. How out of touch you are with reality and yourself. Please try to keep your tensions to yourself,  I can not handle them. I am really tired of having to deal with you and your scars. Seven years and half way around the world you still somehow bring back some different past like it happened yesterday. That is not mine, its yours. I want it far away from me. Your emotionally so out of control that you dont even recognize whats really going on in your head. Its like half of the shit you say and feel you create inside yourself. Im coming all the way to africa to visit you and I cant be feeling all this crap while im there. It is making me sick emotionally and physically. I haven't felt this way sense the last time i saw you. I dont know what to do...i see it and i feel it i dont want to argue about it, i just want it to stop.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// 

sweetheart, Worry not your troubled self. You will meet many a stranger on your journey, remember we all must part ways at last. Keep those dear to you in your heart and honor them by knowing yourself truly. Remember you are perfectly at peace, though you have tricked yourself into despair. Bathe in the lightness of your being and remember also you are loved. go on your way.

this movie just blew my mind a little bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBGeErufQdY

.I am seeing double
.I have a HUGE black and green and yellow and purple bruise
on that needle part of the inside of my elbow from my IV
from when i got my wisdom teeth out, and it wont go away
.I have a cough that wont let me sleep
.im drinking tons of tea
.im wearing a patch on my chest that is supost to help my cough
.im drinking some kind of nasty tasting root for the COUGH
.sucking on fisherman's friends allll day long and they hurt my tummy
.I still cant eat real food because of my teeth holes
.theres just this CATCH in my throat that makes me choke
.im not sick i just have this cough and when it comes on there is nothing i can do but CHOKE
.its scary and every time i feel like im going to die
.It happened today when i was driving on the highway, there was nowhere to pull over
.I felt really terrified there was nothing i could do but try to drive straight
.and my water was a frozen block of ice
.Also i am taking care of my moms cat at a friends of a friend of my moms whos taking care of my moms cat while shes in africa so this lady went away for a couple weeks so im taking care of the cat.UHH
.anyways this lady my mom has never met she lives in a trailer in springfield...
.so i have been driving WAY BACK into the depths of springfield everyday to feed this cat
......every time i leave i feel sooooo fucked up inside
.and i cant help it but i am terrified of this place
.It has been a super hard struggle to go there everyday, its awful really
.Her fridge is filled with slim fast shakes and menthol cigarettes
.the cabinets are filled with boxes of some kind of diet that she gets sent to her in the mail, boxes of boxed food
they pile up on her front porch everyday and i keep bringing them inside.
.theres piles of prescribed medicine all over the place
.and then everything els covering the entire place is collectables like dolls and crap
.Im trying not to be judgmental,Its just it SCARES me so much
.Also I sent in my application and they got it in the mail TODAY waaaaaaa so the process should start soon
.BUT Im trying to work out my airplane ticket stuff
.I needed to have gotten my tickets about a month ago
.but i cant get them until i find a family?
.or i cant get flights to the Netherlands until i get my year visa....and i cant get my year visa until i get a family
.because if i go to the netherlands with a flight out of there for NEXT year and a visa for only 30 days they wont let me out of the airport and if im coming from Africa they will be forced to fly me back to Africa on my expense
.so either im stuck in africa until i find a family or im stuck in the states until i find a family....
.I think I would rather be stuck in africa....BUT my dads a little unsure about that SOOOOOO
I still haven't gotten my tickets and they are going up and up andupUP in thousands the longer a wait
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
.Im feeling really negative lately that scares me
.also very stressed



tooo bad so sad

FUCKkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I have never worked this hard for anything everrrrrrrrrr. I know absolutely NOTHING about the Netherlands hahaha usually before people travel they do TONS of research and stuff......hmmm i should get on that.

DIZYdizzzydizydizzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyddddddiiiiiiizzzzzzzyyyyydizydizydizydizydizydizydizydizydizydiz
dizydizzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyddddddiiiiiiizzzzzzzyyyyydizydizydizydizydizydizydizydizydizy
dizydizydizydizydizydizdizydizydizydizydizydizydizydizydizdizy
dizydizydizydizydizdizydizydizydizy FEEWWWW


My wind chimes that have been outside my window gently soothing my mind in the dark nights tinging my dreams and early mornings ARE DESTROYED. ugg, the guy that painted our house left them on the ground when he took them down and then they got all broken and trampled. There sounds reminded me of my childhood.....I miss them..... Im reading through some of my old writings...I used to be so innocent and HAPPY, just stoked on life like a child still laughing at the sky, filled with wonder eagerness and joy towards the world. I was really content in myself and my surroundings... lately it seems ive just been haunting myself, slowly hollowing out my passions.
BADbad stop that


like soft wings flying you could let the words free.




Im desperately trying to get a ton of pictures together of me and children and me and my family and me and animals and me in Vietnam with old ladies and babies and me and all my hobbies and me me me emmememememe AHHHHHHH this whole application thing i don't know i don't know....I just had to write a dear family letter FEWW i feel like such a fool trying to make myself sound so mighty

Also my sister got a camera with her boyfriend that is like 5 times better than mine its a cannon digital SLR and it has HD video in it and a lot of other amazing things.... when she told me I started sobbing like seriously i could not stop crying....it was ridicules I have never felt to much envy ever in my life AHHHHHHA it hurts so much and i hate that, its super frustrating.....shes also getting a WIDE ANGLE LENS.... kiiiiillllll mmmmeeeee
also they both think that there battling me I don't want to compete with them JEEZE PEOPLE

>Tomorrow i have to
. babysit in the morning,
. I might go steal my sister and take her to world cafe for lunch
. then i have to go to Ben's dads house and tell him Im not going to work for Ben anymore FUUUUUUCKidontknowhowtodothat..ah
. then i have a CPR first aid class at this ladies house for 3 hours to get my certificate
. then i have to go get keys to take care of a cat at this ladies house
Im housesitting the entire month of December for like 2 different people
I still have a lot of work with this whole stick shift thing ahead of me AHHHHHHHHHHHHHiamrunnningoutoftime
things always fall right into place mmmmmmmmmmmm
.......................
I look forward to learning about your children, your family and your culture. To the family I will live with and help…I promise my deepest respect and constant attention to the needs of your children.
I NAILED THIS LETTER SO HARD

there is something dark inside you
I can see it when you stare into blank spaces

I dont know a lot of things....
weird electrical problems I feel like a dumb GIRL
I dont know anything about car lights and street lights
and fuses and wires and ELECTRICITY and how it all works together
I was driving home and i was stopped at a light that would NOT change what do you do? go through the red light?
i tried backing up and then seeing if it would go, and then moving forward still nothing...
I had to turn right and then turn around and then go through the working side.
also some weird thing is going on in the inside of my car the lights all flicker on like someone has opened a door i dont get it, all the doors were shut tight and the light was not on....
I want to know more about this stuff so i dont feel like such a girl.
also i was driving home tonight and got hit with this really sudden powerful feeling in my head screaming
YOU ARE GOING TO GET REALLY HURT like injured hurt...
It was really weird and i had to scream back WOW YOUR FINE ahhhhhh AHHHH
my brain my brain MY BRAIN i blame you a lot maybe i should just blame myself too more more me and not brains I dont think my brain is a separate entity



oops the time SHIT
I have so much to get done this weekend I got to get on top of this shiiiiiiit
ZOOM ZOOM
I feel weird without my long tangles of hair....
tendrils TENDRILS
i want to go to the beach real soon rainy cold foggy windy misty beach mmmm
also song dumb stupid DUMB song will you please leave my head alone i would like it

I have a funny great feeling
my little orb is perfect always
being cooped in my bedroom has been good for my head



hehe
..........

I felt a strong need the other day to be near the water to listen to it,
to watch it pass me by.
so i ventured out and found the most amazing dock river place.
Its getting dark so early now,
that always gives me this tinge of sadness i remember from when i was a child.
My brain feels dizzy and drugged
I have been working too much
and i was going to get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow
so i took off work to do that
but now I am SICK really sick
so i had to cancel it
and my parents wont let me leave my house
and they have to wear masks at work all day
because people are... PEOPLE really? People are so afraid
and they aren't allowed to go to this work dinner party celebration thing because of me
I CANT BE SICK RIGHT NOW
I think ive been so stressed that i made myself sick
I finally found the agency im going to go through for the nanny thing.
It was hard to find because mostly people come from other countries to the US
not Americans to other countries....SO i have to learn how to drive a stick shift before christmas, get my cpr/first aid certificate somewhere...I have to get pictures of me with all the kids and families i babysit for, I have to get a international drivers license, several DETAILED references, character references, 600 word dear family letter, background check ( where do you get that? ) , I have to get a doctor to fill out all this paperwork... theres a lot more to this process....i need to get on it.
If it all works out and i find a family before i leave for africa ill be in the Netherlands for 6 months or a year.
mmmmmmmmmmm




BAAAAAAA my parents got a vita mix so ive been making almond milk and green smoothies and tofu soups
im pretty sure this machine is going to change my life.

it is raining hard close your eyes and listen to it

it is an empty space,
it sinks towards me,
a looming shadow,

So let it go just let it go let go let go

And drift just drift drift





Less like the way our jaws come together.
more as our lips are left in our hands
The clouds that barely move,
slowly wrapping and winding.
Coming together. As if they are from the same sky.
We know they are.
This is the way you move in my heart. At once embracing and being.

across the sea,
the salty air will set you free.

I surprised myself with this calm quiet anger
that i have never done before
the kind i hate,
the kind that my family gets when fighting...
I lost it
but i got this out of control quiet burst of screaming in a normal controlled tone
I hate seeing things in me that are in any resemblance to my family
I am waiting trying not to rush for this spinning wheel thing to come back around so i can hop on again and not be running after it...




also last night
or early this morning around 5:30ish
i woke up and for some reason sat up in my bed
and then i realized that i was sitting up and was wondering why
and then all of a sudden this CRAZY LOUD NOISE started shaking my room
literally my room was shaking and i was soooooo confused
it sounded really really crazy like a mixture of some big thing
like a train or airplane and thunder combined
and then it stopped
and i just sat there in the dark with my eyes wide
trying to listen but it was silent
and then the rain just started DUMPING really loud
like a sudden dump and then it was gone
it was really crazy and
Im trying to figure out if it was a dream or not
i really don't know


I can tell when things are changing...
all along never was it meant to be anything at all



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QST4nDFn1FE

a snippet of some chaotic possibility



shut it brother i don't know where there's more tape

me and my bed is compleatly smothered in paper and photographs, drawings, magazines, books, and glue, sissors, pens.....I feel its like this a lot on going going on i want to make stuff but i am SO sleepy so im putting off doing anything at all..
also i guess I may have a fever because my brain and reality feels very skewed but its nice feeling for now. My room has been inspiring me lately i think with its energy and surroundings of things i like to look at.

Also I am REALLY enjoying taking this baby everywhere i go it is great

rocks..
........................


make do with out a tripod



climbing



super pretty polluted river



father



monkey face



gaggle of hens

I need to make something real, real soon

also..........







SO they are getting married and there family is going to hire me to take care of some babies and kids at the wedding with the parents because they want to get shitty and dance and then they are going to pay for me to get a hotel room(because its going to be in Portland) with the kids and have a slumber party...haha wow

my parents are on an Alaskan cruise for a couple of weeks
and Im all alone in this big house
so ive been filling my time with drinking,
and watering gardens ,
drinking ,
playing instruments with my neighbor,
o drinking,
and a lot of going to work,
today i worked,
yesterday i worked,
tomorrow i work.....
and in between activities I cut off part of my finger,
had a screaming fit with the hose ,
made a start to a new song,
I wrote down my goal today in my backyard "I will sit in this hot air soak and cultivate all my thoughts together until they make sense" haha
tomorrow i have to take engagement pictures of my sisters friend,
last Saturday i had to take pictures of a wedding,
tomorrow I am going to bring all the kids over to my sisters work on her lunch break have a little parade down to the park for a picnic....
theres been a constant shuffle of unexpected people at my house that all somehow have keys first i woke up to somebody playing the piano turned out to be my step brother he stayed for a couple days ,
then theres the gardener sometimes appearing in the kitchen inviting me to baseball games ,
and then the guy who just put in the flooring who is now fixing my hallway ,
O and the pest people who saw me half naked yesterday...
o life you know Its a frazzling time.... mostly Im just very confused





ive been asigned to keep all the plants alive
so ive been watering everyday...with the hose.
long story short the hose is somehow IMPOSSIBLE
and ended up exploding on me in muiltable places over the amount of 3 days until the water didn't even come out of the front of the hose anymore because it was all shooting out the sides....basically biggest disaster zone everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Haha shit watch out
give me some klonopin and some alcohol.....



ok music its time